Midnight Rant | Revisiting an Irrational Psychological Allergy

What do Dante and screwworm 
blowflies have in common?

Matthew Pearl’s The Dante Club has me afraid to go to sleep. My well meaning co-blogger loaned it to me, promising that it revolved around an enthralling murder mystery solved by a bunch of academicians calling themselves, The Dante Club.

Of course, she might not have thought it important to mention that the murders in need of solving were caused by screwworm blowflies, maggots and other creepy crawly flesh eaters because she is blissfully unaware of my irrational psychological allergy to all things that can move but have no arms and legs. Worms, snakes, maggots and yes, ironically, caterpillars. Don’t ask!

It’s complicated and related to a recurring dream I had when I was a child where I woke up with a million worms crawling inside my blanket. They have since freaked me out and I don’t know why. My best guess is that my sub-conscience mind was quite traumatized by all the earthworms I set out to “multiply” by which I mean – cut in half and then quarters. Could their spirits have returned to haunt my dreams? In short, my crimes against wormkind have left me in a state of itchiness every time I see, hear or read anything related to them or their extended family.

There’s an itch behind my ear, on my lower back and the palms of my hands. Well, I hope, by Indian optimistic superstition, my palms itch because it’s payday tomorrow (yay!).

So you’re probably wondering whether I’m going to shut The Dante Club and start reading something that doesn’t require a working mind… like the Twilight series where Plank (read: girl with low self-esteem and no real opinion that anyone’s interested in) falls in love with a lecherous vampire who has been 17 years old since the beginning of time, and shines whenever the sun comes out. But since I wasn’t deprived of shiny toys when I was a child – Disco Barbie, tin foil and earthworms included -- I’m going to pass on the necrophilia of Myers’ myth-twisting series and attempt to overcome my “condition”.

Plus, I’ve shelved too many things over the years. (Check out our new Bookshelf!)

Anyway, I’m going to try and sleep now. And try to dream of rainbows and unicorns. Thanks for listening. Now can you pass that back-scratch?

The Harry Potter rant

One movie I’m not going to ruin by watching in 3D is Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2. Multiplexes bullied me into it for Pirates of the Caribbean – The Fountain of Youth and Kung Fu Panda 2, both of which came across as overtly dark (literally) and extremely blurry. Honestly, when will people realise that watching a flat image with good effects can’t be enhanced with the addition of a dimension?

It isn’t about the additional money, I’m sure, because I didn’t pay more than Rs. 200 a ticket for either. It’s just the novelty of the medium, if you ask me which has worn off now that we realise that glasses don’t an ‘Avatar experience’ make.

But it isn’t 3D I’m concerned about. It’s the people I’m going to have to share the cinema hall with.

You see, I’m a hardcore HP fan. I’m so hardcore I’ve actually convinced The Bombay Elektric Projekt to organise a special Harry Potter pub quiz on July 14 (venue TBC). What’s more is that I’m currently working on the content of this quiz (participants may pledge their bribes in to 1800-HAR-POTTY-NUT).

What bothers me about watching a Harry Potter movie in a cinema hall is how many people still retardedly mistake it to be a “children’s movie” and tag their brats along. I remember 8-year-olds crying when Dementors attacked the Hogwarts Express during Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and a 3-year-old squealing up and down the aisle during Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

But I think I could live with petrified children if only the adults, who come to the movie kept their voices down when asking their friends when the evil king Sauron was expected! 


But that's not all. These queries actually extend to idiotic queries like: "What is a Dementor-thingie?" "Is that elf a mix between a mouse and a Siamese cat?" "When will Harry destroy the ring?" "Ha ha… Voldermort ka naak kat diya" (No kidding!).

All I have to say to these people is – do I come and comment on bad acting during the Transformers movies? Do I sit there poking fun at ridiculously unrealistic Bolywood rom-coms that have no basis in Earthly values, let alone reality? Well – sometimes. But that’s not the point!

The series that means most to me (I actually cried when Sirius died) is about to end. All I ask is that you give me this one. The last one, because I’ve no idea what I’m going to do once the Harry Potter franchise comes to a (hopefully) organic end on July 15.

As for the 3D propagating cinema halls – if I wanted more than 2 dimensions to my visual entertainment, I’d go watch a play!