Poem | I Wouldn't Thank You for a Valentine - Liz lochhead
I Wouldn’t Thank You for a Valentine
I wouldn’t thank you for a Valentine I won’t wake up early wondering if the postman’s been. Should 10 red-padded satin hearts arrive with sticky sickly saccharine Sentiments in very vulgar verses I wouldn’t wonder if you meant them. Two dozen anonymous Interflora red roses? I’d not bother to swither over who sent them! I wouldn’t thank you for a Valentine.
Scrawl SWALK across the envelope I’d just say ‘ Same Auld story I canny be bothered deciphering it – I’m up to hear with Amore! The whole Valentine’s Day Thing is trivial and commercial, A cue for unleashing clichés and candyheart motifs to which I personally am not partial.’ Take more than singing Telegrams, or pints of Chanel Five, or sweets, To get me ordering oysters or ironing my black satin sheets. I wouldn’t thank you for a Valentine
If you sent me a solitaire and promises solemn, Took out an ad in the Guardian Personal Column Saying something very soppy such as ‘Who Loves Ya, Poo? I’ll tell you, I do, Fozzy bear, that’s who!’ You’d entirely fail to charm me, in fact I’d detest it I wouldn’t be eighteen again for anything, I’m glad I’m past it. I wouldn’t thank you for a Valentine
If you sent me a single orchid, or a pair of Janet Reger’s in a heart-shaped box and declared your Love Eternal I’d say I’d rather not be caught dead in them they were politically suspect and I’d rather something thermal. If you hired a plane and blazed our love in a banner across the skies; If you bought me something flimsy in a flatteringly wrong size;
If you sent me a postcard with three Xs and told me how you felt I wouldn’t thank you, I’d melt.